hello and welcome back to the noasletter. i know i promised a gift guide and i promise there will be a gift guide. but gift guides are a lot of work and i’m still working on it (please feel free to continue to send your coveted gifts) and so instead here are some 2023 pop culture predictions because i love reading them on twitter and i have some thoughts of my own.
pete davidson and sabrina carpenter date for maximum six months and then he gets back with emily ratajkowski. they are the endgame i feel it in my bones
gisele and tom get back together a la kcav and jay cutler but it doesn’t last
gisele is married to somebody else by the end of the year, and also modeling again
taylor swift wins an oscar and thanks her husband joe alwyn in her speech for encouraging her to pursue film, then announces she’s releasing the rest of the re-records at midnight
gabby windey and vinny guadagnino fake date to get press for the dwts tour. this is basically a free space, it feels like they’re already doing this
jack harlow wins the rap emmys over kendrick lamar and retires from music to pursue acting
nick cannon gets a vasectomy and makes an mtv special about male reproductive health. six months later he gets someone pregnant and we find out he has sperm banked
hulu reboots glee and we all say we’re not going to watch but of course we are. literally only the worst cast members return. you can decide if that means lea michele or not
matty healy and halsey are seen out together, and girlies who were on tumblr in 2014 lose their minds
someone sues tyler perry for bad working conditions
james cameron somehow releases two avatar movies next year, one in the first six months of the year and another at christmas
lensa app class action lawsuit so you idiots can get your eight to twelve dollars back
in keeping with how she’s literally vice president selina meyer come to life, biden resigns for some reason and leaves kamala in charge of the country
arielle charnas / something navy e! or bravo reality show that corroborates everything said about her in the business insider article
jenna ortega gets cast in a movie with serious oscar buzz
prince charles abdicates because so many countries are trying to become separate from england so he decides to make that wills’ problem instead of his
jack antonoff and lana del rey cheat on their spouses with each other and allude to it in song
billie eilish and jesse rutherford elope in vegas and get divorced / annul the marriage three months later
rian johnson makes a knives out 3 that directly parodies elon musk buying twitter
season 3 of fleabag surprise drop
menswear by the 1975 goes viral on tik tok for wedding season
the government shuts down onlyfans for real this time because of weirdo christofascists who think you shouldn’t be allowed to look at tits on the web
bobby flay canceled era. food network practically goes under because they have nothing else to show
kourtney kardashian and travis barker have twins and reveal it on the s3 premiere of the kardashians, now streaming on hulu
not to be outdone, kim then adopts a fifth child
carmy and sydney kiss in the last minutes of the season 2 finale of the bear (this one’s just me manifesting)
gerri and roman actually fuck after connor and willa’s wedding on succession (see above)
alec and hilaria baldwin are sued by one of their nannies
tik tok gets obsessed with the nbc reboot of quantum leap
kacey musgraves dates a woman and writes a banger album about it
another wrong envelope situation at a major awards show
meghan markle brings back the tig and blogs make a massive resurgence
kate middleton guests on archetypes and apologizes to meghan (lol this will never happen)
carrie coon and tracy letts are cast together in season 3 of the white lotus. plot twist, they do not play a married couple
qanon tries to cancel a big movie director for making satanic films or something equally ridiculous that is not a real problem and everybody without critical thinking skills jumps on board even though they used to love their movies
tom cruise dates chloe fineman and she quits saturday night live because they make fun of it
i hope you enjoyed this absolute nonsense. please let me know your own 2023 pop culture predictions! see you…sometime this week with that gift guide i promised!